Ok so at college we've been given our new project briefs. We have to do something with these words, Time, Borders, City and Body. It's not too bad so far, I'm creating piece based on questioning fetish and this idea we have of it. I'm also interested in exploring the idea of femininity and butch and I'm making 6ft embroideries of ladies. I've also got footage of me and some class mates pummeling meat, which was interesting! A problem I have is the classroom atmosphere. Some of them are so lovely and the mature students are fantastic. I've been invited out clubbing with one of the men in my class next Saturday which should be interesting! I used to chill with a group but there's a strong pack mentality which stems from being very posh 18 year olds and it's become very exclusive to the point where I feel uncomfortable associating with them. It's not a nice feeling and it's a little embarrassing seeing them sometimes, which is by general consensus as most of the class feel they're contributing nothing. It's cruel as well because I've seen them exclude other girls who aren't "cool" enough and it just transports me back to secondary school. *sigh*
I've also been working overtime this week so I'm very behind on my work. :( And remember when I said every time I go work I come back with a new injury? Well this time it's three paper cuts, and several rashes on my hands. Not nice!
There's so much to do, I have to work, go to college, sort the house out, clean, help with food and still remember to eat and shower. Also christmas. Remember when I used to be so thoroughly enamored with christmas? Remember all the fuss and cards and love? Well I can safely say the kids have killed my christmas spirit. They're spoilt and conceited, especially my brother who demands nothing less than a car. I'm being harassed because I have a job and despite the fact that my mum and me are trying to sort a decent xmas for them, they're criticising our efforts to the point where my brother said he didn't want my mum there. To her face. My sister, the 19 y/o, pestered for her present and mum gave in and she took her tablet so there's nothing to open xmas day. I point blank refuse to do it now, I'm not doing christmas. Which is a shame because I wanted to make cards and whatnot but there's no time or energy now.
I'm also wrestling with plot bunnies! I haven't been able to write a lot lately but I've been addicted to Lestrade and now I want to write angsty L/S/J fic. There's never enough time in the day though! The other night I had so much work to do I ended up watching Maurice and crying into my pillow. Alec is so beautiful. *sigh*
Also went back to the doctor about my back aches during my period. I had them forever and I went to the gynecologist who was very patronizing. He said he'd get back to me but didn't bother and this was in March. Since then my doctor sent them a letter asking why not but I went back the other week because they pain was too much and he said they'd sent the letter but there wasn't a reply so he's sending another one. I figured it out though. I have the same gyne team as my mum. And they thoroughly fucked her over last year and they know it, she knows it and her lawyer knows it. Therefore they won't go near me with a bargepole. :( My back's killing me though.
ON THE BRIGHT SIDE. There's always a bright side. Rupert Graves is beautiful. The new Sherlock trailer was delightful (though I wasn't too chuffed with the fanclub thing, lot's of embarrassment on my part). I didn't understand the day of the doctor but enjoyed it all the same aaand I get paid next week. Thinking about getting my tat finished/coloured so yay. :) Also time to shave my head again!
Anyway, be prepared to have me stalk your journals to see how much I've missed! I feel a bit shit being away for so long. I'm a little bit addicted to tumblr as well, which isn't a good thing!
Taking a well deserved moment for a bit of peace and thought I'd attempt to make an update here.
First of all, I just want to say thank you to all the support I've received about mum. God you guys are so lovely, I don't know how I would cope without you. Mum's doing a bit better. They've moved her wards and only just taken her ventilator tube out so she's talking a bit now. She's still going to be in hospital for a while though, I think about another month. My stepdad hasn't made an effort to contact us or see his daughter, instead choosing to sit by mum every day. Since the argument I had with him he's made numerous threats to my dad, uncle and me, but we're dealing with it. :(
I've quit uni. I intermitted the year and will return next September, so I'm home now doing nothing except clean and stuff. I collected my stuff last Friday, and spent the night with the housemates. I'm going to really miss them. But being at home now, I've done nothing except cook and clean. Which is ok I suppose, I don't mind doing it, it's for the kids after all. Except it's a little frustrating, especially when you're knackered and everyone's pulling you in different directions. My sister suggested we decorate mum's room as a surprise for her and we're doing it, except the suggestion seemed to be an empty one because she hasn't made an effort to pick up a paintbrush. Thus I've been roped into decorating as well. Though it's stopping me from going crazy, so that's good. :) Going for a shabby chic look, and I think it's going well.
I haven't been sleeping well at all. If I do sleep I have nightmares, otherwise it's constantly broken or very light sleep. So I always feel so tired and lethargic, much more now because my body's always aching. Then yesterday, I had a cystoscopy which went AWFUL. It was supposed to be with local anaesthetic but the doctor didn't allow enough time for the gel to work before shoving the tube in, so I felt everything. It was excruciating and he kept telling me to relax. Not to mention the rough prodding in areas I didn't think needed to be prodded... I don't know, I feel jumpy whenever I think about it now. It was so painful, I couldn't walk properly afterwards, and then he laughed at me and when I left to see my dad I was in tears.
They didn't find anything, but he thought it was Painful Bladder Syndrome and prescribed yoga. Personally, I think everything's connected with my really painful periods and backaches, and will go back to the GP for advice.
Other than that I suppose I'm just trying to get through things one day at a time. I feel like I've taken a few steps back though. I don't know, I just feel so tired.
Having a bit of a moment here.
A good one mind so it's alright. :)
I've just sort of sat here in my new room, listening to music and feeling inexplicably proud of myself. I've never felt this.. overwhelmed by...something. I think it's a blend between a smug sort of satisfaction and bewilderment.
I think I owe an explanation. So I'll start simply.
Things I've done in the weeks I've been here at uni;
-Made some new friends
-Caught Fresher's Flu (WHICH DOES EXIST (no it's not a myth))
-Refrained from killing my housemates
-Came out of the closet good and proper
-Paid my rent for the term
-Started writing again
-Got a job
Yes, it's a pretty long list isn't it? :) And that's good, that's.... that's fabulous! I'm writing, I'm reading, I'm doing things, I'm even listening to music. Something's changed and I'm not entirely sure what; be it the distance from home, or the change in environment. Maybe for some unfathomable reason, I've grown up. I certainly feel a little different, almost as if I couldn't give a flying fuck anymore about the things that used to trouble me in the past. I'm slowly, slowly creeping toward being the badass I always wanted to be. :)
Which is great!
And yes, I do have a job. :D Not sure how I managed that so soon but I now work at The Range in Canterbury (Which by the way is such a beautiful town!), and I'm dead chuffed about that. :D I even did a bit of clothes shopping today, which is certainly an improvement from walking around in my pyjamas all the time. :)
There is a downside but I'm trying not to think about too much. I've been finally getting my body sorted out and all those aches and pains I've been having. Turns out I'm not being neurotic but something is generally up with it. I've been having severe back pains when I'm on my period, so much so I nearly fainted in Primark once. I've asked the doctor who thinks, and this is think, it might be endometriosis. I also had an ultra sound done recently and they've said I have a wonky uterus. :/ Now I'm being referred to an urologist. :(
Ah well, at least I'm sort of slowly getting it sorted. :) Not bursting my bubble though, I feel great. :)
Hope everyone is as hunky dory, both physically and mentally!
*throws kisses and flowers*
- Current Mood: accomplished
Starting Uni tomorrow! *bites nails*
Yes, I'm nervous. But... but. But I hope it'll all be fine. I mean, I've always belived that everything happens for a reason. And, I got in. Doing something I'd never intended to before but fate somehow brought me to. I think, without trying to sound wishy washy about these things, that I'm supposed to do this, and that University will be great. I hope so. :)It's time to grow up and be the bad ass I always wanted to be.
- Current Mood: scared